Letting go of control is not easy. One of my three words for 2020 was release; another movement and my third is voice. As I write this I see how they are coming into existence much like words in previous years have.
Since my BRCA2 diagnosis I have been floundering — spiritually. The Reformed Spiritualist Church was a labor of love for so many, including myself. I am not quite sure where I lost my passion for it. This health journey I have been on with all these preventative surgeries has its part to play. I am sure that the church being based in Niagara Falls and myself in Rochester is another part. In many ways it is just because I am changing and growing in a different direction — Spiritually. Nothing seems to fit and the harder I hold on to things the more confused and stressed I am. I am letting myself and others down. For that I accept my part in this.
Yesterday, with heavy heart, I stepped down as President. I can’t hold back the direction of the church while I am sidelined recovering from a third surgery. The recovery is taking more out of me than I have wanted to admit. I can’t do it all. Spirit has made that quite evident and I must respect that and do what I can and let others lead the way in areas that I cannot. My floundering wasn’t helping and I needed to do something to assist everything to move forward.
What is next?
I am pretty sure that my ways to serve will appear, but for now I must take care of myself. It will be May before I will be back to full strength. Until then I am going to be gentle with myself. I am going to spend time just being a patient. I am going to be grateful that I was able to get ahead of this and take control of my health. In the end, I have reduced my risk for Breast Cancer to less than 5% and I have changed my health habits so that I can live a long and healthy life. Back in February 2019 I was told that I had an 85% chance of Breast Cancer — I was terrified.
I am no longer afraid and finding it easier to let go. There is a lesson there, when you release something from your life there is a space that opens up and opportunities present themselves to you. Letting go is your key to freedom to find joy.
