Practical Steps to Address Toxic Behavior in Churches

Working Through Systems: Practical Steps to Address Toxic Behavior in Churches

Toxic behavior in churches often catches people off guard. We expect our faith communities to be safe, supportive, and spiritually nourishing. When bullying, manipulation, or abuse of power shows up, it can feel like a betrayal. In my last post, I focused on how to identify toxic behavior. But identifying is only the first step.

The harder—and more necessary—part is learning how to document what’s happening and use church systems to hold people accountable. This isn’t easy work. Many churches get this wrong, sometimes out of fear, sometimes out of habit, and sometimes out of a misguided sense of “keeping the peace.” But real peace doesn’t come from silence. It comes from shining light on what’s unhealthy so healing can begin.

Let’s walk through some practical steps for addressing toxic behavior in church systems.

Why Documentation Matters

When toxic behavior occurs, emotions run high. Words can get twisted, memories fade, and what feels obvious to you may not feel obvious to others. Documentation is your strongest ally.

• • It keeps you clear and objective. Instead of saying “this person always yells at me,” you can say, “On September 10th, during the committee meeting, they raised their voice and said I was incompetent when I raised a concern.” Specifics matter.
  • Track who is involved. Note anyone who was part of the conversation or present during incidents. This creates a fuller record and may help identify patterns.
  • Document how you responded. If someone comes to you with a complaint, note what you did with it. Did you direct them to proper channels, offer support, or just listen? This shows you acted responsibly.
  • It prevents “he said, she said.” If an issue escalates, your written records provide credibility.
  • It protects the vulnerable. Often, toxic individuals target more than one person. Good documentation can reveal patterns that leadership might otherwise miss.

Think of documentation as planting stakes in the ground. Each one marks a moment in time, making it harder for truth to be erased.

How to Document Effectively

Here are a few simple, practical ways to keep good records:

• • Keep a dated journal. Write down what happened, when, where, and who was involved. Stick to facts over feelings when documenting.
  • Document conversations with other members who express a concern to you. Note their words, the context, and the date. This helps identify patterns and corroborates concerns if escalation is needed.
  • Save communication. Emails, texts, letters, even social media posts can be important evidence. Screenshot and back them up if necessary.
  • Look for patterns. One incident may not prove toxicity, but repeated behaviors paint a clearer picture.

Important note:  If writing about these incidents becomes emotionally draining, set aside a dedicated notebook just for documentation. This helps separate the act of recording from the process of emotional healing.

Working Through Church Systems

Before taking any step, your safety and well-being are paramount. If the individual has a history of violence, extreme control, or emotional abuse, or if you feel intimidated or fearful, skip direct communication and move immediately to escalation or seeking outside support. Working through the system should never put you in further danger.

Direct Communication (if safe)

Sometimes the best first step is addressing the person directly. Choose the approach based on the situation:

Feelings-based script:
“When you said ___, it came across as ___, and I felt ___. Can we talk about it?”

Boundary-focused script for toxic or manipulative behavior:
“When you said [specific toxic statement], I’m asking you to stop saying things like that to me (or others). That behavior is unacceptable in this setting.”

If the behavior is abusive, unsafe, or part of a larger pattern, skip this step.

Document the conversation. Note the date, time, and what was said. If the person refuses to engage or rejects the conversation, document that as well. Specifics matter.

Escalate Within the Church

If direct communication doesn’t resolve things, or it is unsafe to have direct communication with the person, move to the next level: a pastor, elder, or board member. Always follow your church’s bylaws or stated chain of command. Knowing the “system” strengthens your position.

Why a Paper Trail Matters

Too often, someone brings a concern to a church leader and hears, “Thank you—we’ll take care of it.” That moment feels like resolution, but it’s often where progress stops. The concern may be minimized, quietly dismissed, or even forgotten.

This is why presenting concerns in writing is so important. A paper trail creates accountability. It’s no longer just a conversation that can be brushed aside—it becomes a record. Written documentation compels leaders to respond, whether by acknowledging the issue, following policy, or taking formal steps.

If you’re submitting a concern:

• • Put it in writing.
  • Date it clearly.
  • Keep a copy for yourself.

Even if no action is taken, you now have proof you followed the correct steps. And if further escalation is needed, you’ll be able to show that you acted responsibly and within the system.

Use Policies and Procedures

Many churches have grievance procedures or ethics committees to handle complaints. If these aren’t available within the local church, they often exist at the denominational or governing body level. Request a copy of these procedures. The very act of asking communicates that you expect accountability and provides a clear path for resolution.

Seek Outside Mediation

If your church refuses to act, or the system itself is compromised, sometimes it takes outside support—a denominational office, a regional oversight body, or even a professional mediator. In extreme cases, legal or therapeutic support may also be necessary.

Remember: working within the system is not about “stirring up trouble.” It’s about using the tools available to protect people and restore health to the community.

Where Churches Go Wrong

Sadly, many churches mishandle toxic behavior. Here are some of the most common pitfalls:

• • Brushing issues under the rug. Leaders often choose silence for the sake of “unity,” but this only deepens wounds.
  • Protecting the institution over individuals. Churches fear scandal more than they fear harm to people. This misplaced priority causes long-term damage.
  • Confusing forgiveness with lack of accountability. Forgiveness is personal. Accountability is communal. The two should not cancel each other out.
  • Gaslighting the victim. Sometimes the person speaking up is accused of being “divisive” or “unspiritual.” This tactic deflects from the real problem.

These mistakes create environments where toxicity thrives instead of being dismantled.

Healthy Practices Churches Can Adopt

It’s not enough to say, “We don’t tolerate toxic behavior.” Churches need systems that prove it. Here are a few healthy practices every faith community should embrace:

• • Clear policies on conflict resolution and misconduct. Make them accessible and reviewed regularly.
  • Transparent reporting systems. People need to know where to go and trust the process will be fair.
  • Leadership training. Pastors, elders, and ministry leaders should learn conflict management, trauma awareness, and active listening.
  • Support for whistleblowers. Protect, rather than silence, those who come forward with concerns.

When these practices are in place, churches not only address problems but prevent them from escalating.

Final Thoughts

Addressing toxic behavior in churches isn’t about revenge or punishment. It’s about accountability, truth, and creating a community that reflects the love it preaches. Your documentation is your foundation, and your resolve is your protection. Start documenting today. Reach out for support. And remember—healthy faith communities don’t just endure the truth; they flourish in it. Be the catalyst for that health.