Rev. Colleen Irwin

When Your Child Goes No Contact: Grieving, Growing, and Holding Hope

When a child goes no contact there are two possible reactions — acceptance or denial.  Nothing prepares you for the silence of your own child. When my son went no contact, it wasn’t an argument. It wasn’t a moment. It was a slow and aching unraveling—one I tried to stop, then one I had no choice but to accept.

I always wanted to be an amazing mother. I had years when I was. I can name the birthdays, the bedtime stories, the hugs that still live in my bones. But I also have to tell the truth. Somewhere along the way, I let other voices drown out my own. I let people decide how I should parent, how I should live, how I should be.

I handed over my authority, thinking it was love. Thinking it was survival.

Failure is a Bitter Pill

What followed was a depression so thick I didn’t know who I was without guilt shadowing me. The shame of letting go of myself—not just as a mother, but as a woman—was unbearable. I went silent in places I used to speak boldly. My intuition hidden behind fear. I disconnected from Spirit, because how could I ask for guidance when I felt I had failed?

But I wasn’t done. Spirit wasn’t done with me.

One morning, I sat quietly and asked, “Who am I now?” That became the seed. I started returning to the practices I teach—journaling, prayer, meditation, connecting with the unseen world that had never abandoned me. Prayers were asked for forgiveness. I learned to forgive myself. And I made changes. Not performative ones. Soul-deep ones.

I stopped trying to earn love through self-sacrifice. Choosing myself—not out of anger, but from a place of healing. I began to rebuild a life rooted in truth, not people-pleasing.

The ball is in his court now — I don’t know if my son will reach out. I hope he does. I’ve left the door open—not wide, not begging, but open. And in the meantime, I mother myself. I tend to my spirit. I walk forward without pretending this wound doesn’t exist.

If you are here, grieving a child who has gone silent, I see you. You are not alone.

Reflection Questions

• What part of me did I silence to keep the peace?
• When did I start doubting my own intuition?
• What would I say to my child if they knocked on my door tomorrow?
• How do I define love now—without the need for approval?
• What patterns am I finally breaking in my family line?
• Where in my life have I given away my voice?
• What part of me is asking to be mothered right now?
• Can I hold grief and growth at the same time?
• What does unconditional love look like when it has no audience?
• How do I stay open, without staying stuck?

Unanswered Prayers

Healing doesn’t mean forgetting. It doesn’t mean pretending. It means living fully, even with unanswered prayers.

And if reconciliation comes, I will be here—with a steadier heart, a clearer soul, and a love that knows its own worth.