When Ego Gets in the Way of Facilitating a Development Circle

When we talk about ego in a mediumship development circle, it’s easy to focus on the participant who wants to be the center of attention. We recognize the person who needs to demonstrate what they know, monopolizes the discussion, or seems uncomfortable when someone else receives recognition.

But what happens when the ego getting in the way belongs to the facilitator?

After years of facilitating mediumship development circles, I had to ask myself that question. I’d become so invested in helping people develop that I wasn’t always paying attention to how I treated them. Recognizing that wasn’t comfortable, but it changed how I approached my role.

When Their Progress Becomes Personal

Preparing for each circle takes hours. I choose opening and closing prayers, plan the meditation, research the topic, develop exercises, and write journal prompts. My goal is to give participants meaningful opportunities to learn and grow.

Over time, a pattern began to frustrate me. Some participants complained about their lack of progress but didn’t consistently practice between sessions. I knew that even twenty minutes a day could help them work through some of the obstacles they brought to circle. Yet I’d hear about the hours they spent on other activities while making little time for their development.

I wanted them to do better because I could see their potential. They were capable of more, and I believed consistent effort could make a real difference.

Somewhere along the way, however, their lack of progress became a reflection on me. If they weren’t developing, I felt I needed to do something differently or push harder. My investment in their growth had become entangled with my own sense of effectiveness as a facilitator.

That frustration affected how I treated people. I became impatient, and at times, I embarrassed participants in front of the group.

My expectations weren’t necessarily the problem. Consistent practice matters, and participants need to take responsibility for their own development. The mistake was allowing my frustration to influence how I treated them.

The Lesson I Needed to Learn

Years earlier, I’d heard a saying that stayed in my memory: “Your true purpose in life is to become the person you needed in a moment of weakness or need”

At the time, I didn’t fully understand it. Then, one day, I was sitting in an advanced class when the instructor put me on the spot because I hadn’t completed something before class. The week had gotten away from me, and I wasn’t prepared. Whatever the reason, the embarrassment was painful.

The connection came immediately. I recognized that I’d sometimes made people in my own circles feel the way I felt in that moment.

Suddenly, the saying I’d carried with me for years made sense. I knew what it felt like to be embarrassed in front of others, and I realized I’d been creating that experience for some of the very people I was trying to help.

I couldn’t undo those moments, but I could change what happened next.

Let Them Take Responsibility

That realization didn’t change my belief in preparation or the importance of consistent practice. Participants still need to put in the work if they want to develop their mediumship. What changed was my understanding of where my responsibility ended.

As a facilitator, I can prepare a thoughtful session, offer exercises, answer questions, and help people identify ways to move forward. I can explain the connection between regular practice and progress, but I cannot do their work for them. Nor can I make their development a measure of my success.

Now, when someone complains about a lack of progress, I ask, “So what are you going to do about it?”

That question puts the responsibility back where it belongs. Rather than dismissing their frustration or offering yet another solution they may never use, I invite them to consider what they’re willing to do differently.

Learning to work around inconsistent effort has taken time. Some participants will take what I offer and use it; others won’t. I can continue providing opportunities without making their choices my personal responsibility.

The Facilitator Is Still Learning

Facilitating a development circle requires leadership. We set expectations, manage time, choose exercises, and sometimes redirect conversations. Confidence helps us make decisions, while experience teaches us to recognize when something isn’t working.

Yet leadership doesn’t make us immune to ego. Our investment in the circle can lead us to believe we know what everyone needs, that our approach must prevail, or that another person’s lack of progress reflects poorly on us.

We need to examine our own behavior as honestly as we examine the behavior of our participants. Are we protecting the learning environment, or protecting our pride? Are we offering guidance, or trying to control an outcome that belongs to someone else?

I still care about whether people develop, and I continue to prepare carefully and challenge participants to take their work seriously. The difference is that I’ve learned to do those things without making their progress about me.

Sometimes, the lesson that changes us most comes when we recognize that we’ve become the person we never wanted to be. The next step is deciding to do better.